5 Times Kirk Showed A Knowledge of Vulcan Anatomy
by xooxu
Summary: Five Times Kirk Showed A Knowledge of Vulcan Anatomy and the One Time Bones Got Even. "So ... Bones. What can you tell me about Vulcan gag reflexes?" Spirk, language, and mock text books. Fun all around. Spock doesn't have a single line.


**Five times Jim showed his knowledge of Vulcan anatomy.**

**1.**

_The physical male Vulcan reproductive system, in comparison to human males, is surprisingly similar. The general systematic plan for the production and storage of sperm, the sperm itself, and the release all follow a closely related pattern. In fact, the largest difference between the adult male Vulcan and the adult male human is the actual penis itself. The Vulcan penis is protected by a thick layer of skin, out of which the penis will protrude. When not erect, the penis will appear to retract._

—_Chapter 16:_ The Reproduction System; _Section 4:_ The Vulcan Male Introduction_  
A Comparison of Terran and Vulcan Physiology: A Quick and Easy Reference__  
by Harold Quinn_

It was technically never early on the _Enterprise_. With a need for constant care of all sorts, there was always at least five hundred of the one thousand something personnel awake and working, along with another one to two hundred relaxing in the rec rooms or mess halls. The ship was alive at all times, and despite the number of shifts and marking of time, there was no such thing as late or early.

However, to a certain doctor, it was too damn early for this shit.

"Hey Bones …"

Just those two words and Dr. Leonard McCoy was already dreading the conversation, and day, to come. He shot a small, wary look his captain's way before continuing on with his pad. James T. Kirk had _that_ tone. The tone that reminded the doctor of a cat stalking its prey: hunched up on its hind legs and zoned in on its target. It was a tone he was very familiar with: drawn out and lazy, yet somehow focused. Leonard was a source of entertainment apparently begging to be exploited.

"Did you know that Vulcan penises retract?"

"God DAMMIT Jim!" The datapad Leonard had been looking over, reviewing the consumption rate of several drugs and how long it would be before they would need replacement, found itself on the floor, long forgotten as the doctor's feet faulted in their movements. "Why on earth did you think I would want to know that?"

Just as Jim's question began to sink in a little past Leonard's immediate mental blockade on anything related to Spock and sex and implications started coming out, a large trademark smirk spread across the captain's lips. Leonard needed to work on his poker face.

"How …?" Leonard tried to begin his question.

"See you at lunch, Bones," the captain said, darting into the turbolift. Leonard told himself that the dazzling tone in Jim's voice and the warm look in his eye were due to the humor of receiving the desired reaction … and nothing else.

A quick look up and down the corridor, and Leonard retrieved his pad and trotted off towards sickbay to begin his first shift of the day, muttering brusquely under his breath about "damn hormonal captains" and "over-obliging commanders.

* * *

**2. **

_Unlike human neurons, which report to a decentralized area first, Vulcan nerve endings reach out to every portion of their body and then report directly to the brain. Because of this, Vulcans have conscious control over every portion of the body. Every action their body performs, every muscle movement, organ function, and heart beat, down to the twitching of smooth muscular tissue, can be felt knowingly. Thusly, no reaction is completely a reflex. While there are several body functions that happen without necessary conscious control, they can be ignored or suppressed. Reactions such as flinching, blinking, and gagging can be avoided if willed so. _

—_Chapter 28:_ Neurons Functions and Stimulation; _Section 8:_ Reflexes_  
A Comparison of Terran and Vulcan Physiology: A Quick and Easy Reference  
by Harold Quinn_

This mission was going perfectly. While Leonard felt grateful for this, Jim was slightly edgy at the concept. He thrived under pressure.

Mr. Spock had the Conn, and Jim and Leonard were planet side for a relief mission. A recent earthquake had ravished one of the federation's more under-developed planets, and very few of the nations had yet gotten back on their feet. Medical aid, crops, and most shelter had been demolished, and many starships in the area had been called in to help.

Leonard had been quite busy for the past two days: administering hypos, setting broken bones, stitching up torn skin. Jim, however, had very little to do. They had declared all life in their vicinity accounted for, either dead or rescued, so there was little the captain had left to do. All ration booths were operating smoothly, the rebuilding of shelters was way ahead of schedule, and no attempts had been made to steal any of the relief equipment. All the captain had to do was sit there and look pretty. And apparently, bother Leonard during his brief breaks from duty.

Leonard wasn't listening to anything Jim was saying. He merely sipped on his synthesized coffee. It was his attempt to make the man shut up, but Leonard knew it wouldn't work; Jim would just try harder to catch the doctor's interest. Still it was the best plan he had, so he kept at it.

"Sooo … Bones."

It was that dangerous tone again. On his haunches. Bones tried his hardest to block him out as he brought the cup to his mouth for another gulp. He was quite exhausted from all of his work, and despite his knowledge of the negative effects of caffeine, it was the best he had.

"What can you tell me about Vulcan gag reflexes?"

A fine spray of hot liquid flew from his mouth, followed by a few barking coughs as Leonard's own gag reflex took hold. "Good _God_, man! What sort of question is that?"

Jim smiled, apparently pleased. "Well, Spock mentioned something about not having one. I wanted a doctor's opinion on the matter."

Leonard stared in disbelief at the man, and by the time he recovered himself and a glower replaced his stare, he was cut off by a chirp at Jim's communicator.

"Sorry, Doctor. I've got to take this. Besides, I believe your break is up," Jim said, making a waving gesture over towards Leonard's booth, where a new patient was being led by a Starfleet cadet.

With that, the captain retreated most diplomatically in a such a smug way that Leonard vowed that the next time Jim needed a hypo, Leonard would use the biggest on the doctor could get his hands on. Right on his d—

**

* * *

**

**3. **

_While its effects are not as strong as, say, a shot of whiskey, chocolate has the interesting effect of causing drunkenness in Vulcans. Their low tolerance for caffeine makes even the amount in chocolate enough to intoxicate if consumed in enough volume. The amount in an average candy bar or cup of hot chocolate has the equivalent effect of two beers to a human. It goes through all the same steps as alcohol to humans—from the quick absorption into the blood, to exiting the body through the urine—and have all the same effects—visual impairment, inhibition impairment, hearing and speech impairment, and poisoning._

—_Chapter 34:_ Diet and Nutrients; _Section 12:_ Alcohol_  
A Comparison of Terran and Vulcan Physiology: A Quick and Easy Reference  
by Harold Quinn_

There was always someone on board the _Enterprise_ with alcohol of some sort. And while, it was blatantly against regulation and code, due to everyone on board's need to be attentive at all time, should there ever be need to be needed, the captain was quite frequently the one with the alcohol.

They did this every so often, Jim and Leonard (and sometimes Scotty or Sulu or Chekov or whoever happened or needed to be there). They would go to one of their quarters, pull out a bottle of liquor, two (or three) glasses, and just talk over a bit of whiskey or scotch or vodka or sake. It didn't have to be any topic in particular, though sometimes it was, and the conversation didn't have to be for any specific length of time.

It was just Leonard and Jim tonight, because nobody else needed to be there, and they hadn't happened upon anyone on their way to the captain's quarters. Leonard was halfway through his second glass, Jim almost through with his first, and the conversation had comfortably subsided for the moment. There had been a mention of birthdays (Lieutenant Kyle's was apparently soon) and Leonard's mind automatically went to JoJo.

A rolling laugh came out of Jim—something that happened occasionally with him and alcohol—and Leonard looked at the man expectantly. With a final amused sigh, he smiled at Leonard. "Nothing Bones. Just thinking."

"No shit?" Leonard bit sarcastically, "You're thinkin'?" The same way laughing came easy with a tipsy Jim, cursing flowed freely with Leonard and a bit of whiskey.

Another, softer laugh and smile came from Jim, "Well, Spock's birthday is coming up."

"I din' know that."

"And as far as I know, you still don't."

"Ta hell I dun'."

"Well, you didn't hear it from me, at least. Anyway, I was just thinking of what to do for it."

Another pregnant pause, before the doctor let out an exasperated sigh, "And...?"

"Well, that's just it. I've got nothing. I don't think he would like any sort of party, and I don't know what to get him…"

"S'what was funny?"

A knowing smile played the captains lips. "I was just thinking about giving him some chocolate."

Leonard eyed him wearily. "That would get 'im drunk."

"I know."

Leonard brought the glass to his lips, but didn't drink, mulling over that scenario. "Hmh," he voiced before finishing the drink, wonder why in the world Jim would know that.

* * *

**4.**

_Touch telepathy is a very hard concept for humans to grasp unless one has mind-melded with a Vulcan. Human have the basis for Vulcan telepathy: the neurons in our fingers are fairly similar to those found in Vulcans; however, Vulcans' fingers are far more sensitive. When in contact with life of a certain range of intelligence, they are able to intercept a few of the electric pulses transmitting information to and from the brain and receptors, and then translate it into "readable" data for them to analyze. The most common form of this is through certain location on the face, where these transmissions are most able to be intercepted, and where their own transmission can sent to the subject, known in layman's terms as a mind-meld. However, several other forms of touch-telepathy are known to occur. There is an intimate gesture, usually performed only among married Vulcans, that uses touch telepathy through fingers. This gesture is often translated as a kiss by humans. _

—_Chapter 13: _Touch Telepathy; _Section 1:_ Introduction_  
A Comparison of Terran and Vulcan Physiology: A Quick and Easy Reference  
by Harold Quinn_

All of the bridge crew, including Lieutenant Scott and Leonard, shared the same shift. There was the occasional need for one of them to take a second shift and their schedule to fall out of alignment for a couple of days, but for about ninety percent of the time, Jim, Leonard, Spock, and the rest of everyone that mattered ate breakfast together.

However, recent events (certain, ship-exploding events) on the outskirts of federation territory had forced the doctor and captain into a second twelve hour shift, and Scotty a third. After seven hours of rest, Leonard and Jim were eating breakfast together, everyone else having just finished dinner.

Since he had met the other man at his quarters, Leonard had noticed something different Jim. There was less idle chatter between the two, and Jim seemed to be a bit less focused than usual. He would either not hear whatever Leonard said, or forget to respond to a comment. And Jim seemed … preoccupied … by his … hand. Jim would look, almost gaze, at it as if it were something foreign, but not altogether unwelcome.

Being the doctor he was, Leonard had inconspicuously checked it over, and found nothing. No bumps or bruises or wear or tear: nothing new or old for either of them to be concerned about. But Leonard was tired, so he let Jim admire his hand in peace.

"Hey, Bones…" The doctor was slightly caught off guard. He had been expecting Jim's "attack mode", but this wasn't it. He was relaxed, melodic. Almost dreamy. It bothered Leonard.

"Vulcans kiss with their fingers."

It took four tries before the implication of that sentence set it, and by then, Leonard was already throwing his tray into the garbage, ready for his doctor-ly duties, and hoping this conversation would be forgotten.

* * *

**5. **

_While Vulcans share a similarity of most of the major organs in humans, their location is quite different. The skeletal structure is practically identical, which is why most humans assume the placement of organs is, too. However, for example, the heart is located in the lower anatomic right of the abdomen, where the kidney of a human would be, and the kidney is located in the approximately the center of the torso. _

—_Chapter 9:_ Organs and Their Functions; _Section 2:_ Location_  
A Comparison of Terran and Vulcan Physiology: A Quick and Easy Reference  
by Harold Quinn_

It was nine hours later.

And still too early to tell.

For how impressive modern medical technology was today, Leonard still felt like screaming at something for how useless it was at the moment. Despite being on the fence, there was nothing more the doctor could do. Sometimes, Leonard just hated his job.

Spock was in critical. Even if he did survive, there would be major scarring on the right half of his torso and up his neck, along with at least two weeks of physical therapy.

Leonard, after the excruciating five hour surgery, forced himself to deal with all the minor and moderate injuries still trickling in like a good doctor, instead of hovering like instinct told him. However, the only way he could convince himself to do this was to put Nurse Chapel in charge of tending Spock, instructing her to notify him immediately if there were any change in Spock's condition.

Which is why he was so surprised to see the blonde nurse standing uneasily at the door to Spock's temporary bunk. As soon as Christine saw the gruff man, she jumped to attention and, while Leonard couldn't be sure, he thought he heard her squeak, followed by immediate apology.

"I'm sorry sir, but the captain came in and he looked so sad and I thought they could use a moment alone, but he hasn't come out and I don—"

"Jim's in there?" Leonard cut her off and muttered a curse when she nodded. He'd hoped the sedative he'd given the captain would have knocked him out until tomorrow. Jim didn't need to see Spock like this.

Another curse, louder this time, flew from his mouth, and he pushed past Christine, completely ignoring the guilty look on her face.

Jim looked up not when the door burst open, nor when it closed softly. That was a very bad sign. _Very_ bad. He was sitting in a chair pushed close to the bed, back hunched over and eyes closed with a bandaged hand outstretched over Spock's abdomen. Leonard had never seen the man so depressed. Not even after he had been informed of his mother's death.

"Jim … I—"

"I can't lose him, Bones."

Leonard's resolve cracked. He could no longer play good doctor. Jim's voice—the same authoritative voice that barked commands without hesitation in the middle of a crisis—was little more than a sob.

The doctor watched as his captain laid his head across his arm on the bed.

_Almost_ as if in defeat.

"I always thought it was weird: how his heart was in his stomach. But I can't complain. It's so convenient to listen to."

Leonard turned around and entered his lock code into the door. Only the captain's codes could override that, and he doubted he would have to worry about that.

He moved to sit at the corner of the bed, putting a reassuring hand on Jim's sobbing back.

"His heart is so weak, Bones."

"It'll be okay, Jim." Leonard really hoped he wasn't lying.

* * *

**And the one time Bones got even.**

_Though very little is known about the subject, there have been several reports about Vulcans becoming irrational, and often violent, noted every seven standard years. It is a private matter among Vulcans, but has been speculated amongst non-Vulcans that it has something to do with the reproduction system. The internal body temperature begins to rise slowly, along with an alarming increase in the rate of production in the increase of certain hormones to near fatal levels. Vulcans, when exhibiting these symptoms, will request a week long shore leave to Vulcan, and then return logical and rational._

—_Appendix D:_ Other Notes_  
A Comparison of Terran and Vulcan Physiology: A Quick and Easy Reference  
by Harold Quinn_

Leonard wasn't sure which was worse.

Knowing that your best friend was in a very committed relationship with your other best friend.

Or simply guessing as much.

"Hey Bones, do Vulcans PMS?"

The doctor glared over his desk screen at the captain, who was currently playing with something or other on his desk. Leonard really didn't want to be having this conversation. "What the hell are you talking about, Jim?"

"Well, Spock's been really pissy lately. Yelling and shit. He threw a pillow at me really hard this morning after I suggested—"

Knowing, Leonard decided. "I really think I don't want you to finish that sentence."

Jim chuckled a bit, but continued none-the-less, "Yeah, but you know Spock. Logical, rational Spock. He doesn't _throw_ things, even if he is a little more open around me."

Something clicked in Leonard's head, something he had been warned about by Spock's older version. "How old is Spock, Jim?"

"Twenty-eight standard? Something like that. Why?"

Definitely knowing. "Well Jim, has Spock ever mentioned _pon farr_?"

* * *

**A/N**: I began writing this well over a year ago, back when the 5/1 thing was really popular, but I never finished until a couple of months ago. Then, I dunno, I just left it until this very moment. So now, I hand it over to you, the reader. Have fun with it.

Sorry about the rampant typos. I know they're in there, they just keep spreading like H1N1, and I find more each time I look, so I gave up after a while.


End file.
